This is the English Transalation of my 'award winning' ;) French Humorous essay Trini fait de nouvelles vagues (see next post)
The General Manager cleared his throat
“Gentlemen, as you all know, our Barbie Doll sales figures are dipping alarmingly. All our marketing strategies have failed. Hasbro may soon go out of business. At our last meeting our consultant suggested we need to sacrifice a little girl on the altar of mammon.”
The consultant nodded importantly
“Yes, it is the latest management theory from Peter Drucker.”
“Isn’t he dead?”
“Séance”
“Anyway, I know that sounds a little, shall we say …unorthodox… but these are desperate times, and desperate times require innovative solutions.
HR Manager- you were given the task of procuring a little girl for the sacrifice. Have you got one?”
“Yes Boss”
“Produce her.”
Little Trini was dragged into the conference room, screaming.
“What do you want with me, you fiends?”
“We are going to present you with a Barbi doll, child, if you do exactly as we say”
Trini was pleased.
“Really? Cool!”
Trini was tied to the conference table. The GM clapped his hands loudly.
“Unveil the idol of mammon”
The whiteboard slid aside, to reveal a giant fiber-glass idol of mammon. It looked suspiciously like a middle-aged Ken doll after a drinking binge.
“Sharpen the Barbie!”
The HR Manager sharpened a Voodoo Barbie on a portable knife sharpener to a deadly point.
“Plunge it in!”
“No!” screamed Trini
The GM was surprised.
“Don’t you want a Barbie?”
“Yes, but not in my intestine!”
“Sorry, too late now.”
Trini screamed
“No!!”
The consultant coughed loudly.
“Wait! It has to be a willing victim. Mr. Drucker mentions this explicitly.”
The GM pleaded with Trini.
“Child, what about all the little girls whose stingy parents won’t buy them Barbie dolls? Aren’t you willing to be sacrificed for them?”
“No! Let them eat cake!”
“But don’t you care about Hasbro’s third quarter earnings?”
“Let Hasbro eat cake!”
“But our CEO is down to his last billion”
“Let your CEO eat cake”
“But that is the whole point. He can’t afford cake with his last billion”
“I don’t care. Let him eat noodles”
The GM was annoyed.
“What a spiteful little girl. Let’s sacrifice her anyway, maybe mammon won’t mind.”
Trini screamed with fear.
But just then she saw something, so amazing, so fantastic, it took her breath away.
The idol of mammon moved. It frowned. It spoke
Mammon coughed politely
“But mammon does mind”
There was consternation in room.
“Err… you mind?”
“Yes I mind. Not only do I not want an unwilling victim, I particularly do not want little girls.”
The GM was surprised.
“No?”
“No”
“But…Why”
“Think, idiot. Little girls are your target customers. If you start sacrificing them one by one, who will buy the dolls?”
“True. So you want the blood of…”
“A General Manager”
The GM screamed in horror
“No!”
“Yes!”
“I refuse!”
“But don’t you care about Hasbro’s third quarter earnings?”
“Let Hasbro eat cake!”
“But your CEO is down to his last billion”
“Let him eat tofu”
Mammon sighed
“Too bad. Sacrifice him anyway”
The other sales executives grabbed the GM. The HR manager raised the pointed Barbie.
The GM started bawling.
“Help! Please!”
Mammon spoke again
“Wait…Don’t kill him. I have a better idea”
The HR Manager looked at mammon inquiringly.
“Lay him off- without a golden parachute.”
