Sociology 101

Pen-slinger is often accused of indulging in inane and pointless humor when all around us blue-chip stocks are performing graceful, swooning dives from historical highs, and billionaires are looking worriedly at their last billion and muttering darkly about socialist revolutions, not to mentions smaller fries like you and me who are thinking nostalgically of those good ol’ days when there were those things called ‘jobs’ and ‘paychecks’. Not to mention those TGIF parties (remember those?), where the boss got drunk and did things he regretted the next day.

Anyway, recognizing that sobriety and seriousness are the watchwords in these difficult times, we revive our serious and educative 101 series.

This time we gravely turn our attention to sociology, and examine the socio-ethnic dynamics in the multi-racial South African community.

Please carefully study the following instructive and educational news item which appeared in major newspapers around the world a few weeks ago, and then answer the questions below. Evaluate what you read. Try to read between the lines, and find the ‘story behind the story’. We are developing analytical skills here.

COMPREHENSION TEXT

Indians in SA kill three over ‘Manhood’ size

(Times of India, 14th September 2008)
Durban: Three men were shot dead and two injured after an argument between a group of Indian and white visitors to a bar here, allegedly over the size of their genitals.
Superintendent Muzi Mngomezulu of the South African police confirmed that five people were arrested in the early hours of Thursday morning in connection with the shootings, which erupted after a confrontation between white and Indian patrons of the bar on Wednesday evening. Two of them were in possession of firearms believed to have been used in the killings.
A worker at the bar, who requested anonymity for fear of reprisal, said a customer of Indian origin had remarked to a white customer while they were both at the urinal in the bar that his manhood was bigger than that of the white customer. “After both men returned to their friends, the two groups began swearing at each other before the group of five Indian men left the scene and all returned with firearms. They opened fire and three guys died on the spot. The other two were rushed to St Augustine’s Hospital, where I am told they are critical.”
Mngomezulu said the argument is believed to have been racially motivated, although he could not confirm the incident at the urinal. Durban is home to two-thirds of South Africa’s 1.2 million Indians, with the unique Indian accent there often being the butt of jokes by comedians and arguments sometimes erupting over it. AGENCIES

Also view: http://www.epherald.co.za/herald/2008/09/12/news/n08_12092008.htm

QUESTIONS

Q1-What do you understand by ‘Manhood’, as used in the text?
a. Umm…do you think it is what I think it is?
b. It’s a euphemism.
c. It is an abstract, philosophical religo-cultural concept, with deep socio-psychological ramifications and extensive hagiography.
d. You don’t wanna know

Q2 - So, whose manhood really IS bigger? White South Africans or brown South Africans?
a. Are you asking my opinion?
b. The text does not make it clear
c. It depends
d. White South Africans
e. Brown South Africans

Q3 – What does this incident tell us about race relations in South Africa?
a. They are cordial
b. They are hostile
c. They are competitively healthy
d. They revolve largely around ‘Manhood’ issues

Q4. – Do women have similar arguments about the size of their ‘Womanhood’- whatever that may be?
a. Yes, of course. What did you imagine?
b. No, of course not. Only the primitive male brain is capable of such things
c. Yes and No. Yes they argue, but the arguments are usually about the size of their handbags.
d. Womanhood is an abstract, philosophical religo-cultural concept, with deep socio-psychological ramifications and extensive hagiography.

Q5. – Who is Muzi Mngomezulu?

a. He da’ man in manhood
b. High priest of an underground cabbalistic sect in Durban
c. The bartender of the restaurant where the incident took place
d. Superintendent of the South African police

ANSWERS

Q1- (What is Manhood?) Let us examine each option one by one.
a. I don’t know. What do you think it is? This is a humor blog, not Clairvoyants Inc.
b. What is a euphemism? We don’t DO big words in this blog. Next you’ll say euphemism is a euphemism for euphemism. Where does it end?
c. Huh?
d. Correct Answer! You don’t wanna know. Really you don’t.

Q2- (Whose Manhood really is bigger?) What did you answer?
a. No.
b. So what do you expect? Do you have to be spoon-fed each answer? We’re learning to analyze and read between the lines, remember?
c. What kind of wishy-washy answer is that?
d. Maybe.
e. Perhaps

Correct Answer: Irrelevant.
What do you imagine we are doing here? This is Sociology, not Comparative Biology.

Q3 – (What does this incident tell us about race relations in South Africa?)

This is a tough one, with no obviously correct answers. Let us examine the facts: A white man and a brown man are in a restaurant together: obviously segregation in restaurants no longer exists. They go to the toilet together: obviously segregation in restaurant toilets no longer exists. They take a good long look at each others manhoods: obviously, segregation of urinals no longer exists. The South Africans have done away that last artificial barrier between man and man – the urinal partition.

Having taken a look, they enter into a polite discussion about comparative sizes: this indicates an open and frank attitude to a sensitive issue which most societies usually tend to suppress under a suffocating blanket of political correctness. The discussion turns increasingly frank and candid, with views put forth with vigor and supported by complex dialectical arguments, and a few assorted invectives are thrown in for enlivening the debate: this indicates a deep understanding and passion for the subject.

Finally, when the debate cannot be resolved through dialectics, the parties concerned resolve it in the time-honored male tradition of pulling out a gun and blowing each others heads off.

To me this indicates an open, warm and honest relationship. So I would say the correct answer is A- Cordial. What do you think?

Q4. – (Do women have similar arguments?)

Honestly, I don’t have the answer to this one. Perhaps female readers of this blog would care to enlighten us on this. Please leave your answers as comments on this blog.

Q5. – (Who is Muzi Mngomezulu?)

If you take the news clipping at face value, the obvious answer is D. – Superintendent of police in Durban.

But are things really so straightforward?

On whose authority do we have this information? Some nameless, faceless entity that goes under the alias of AGENCIES. Has anyone seen AGENCIES? Has anyone shared a cup of coffee with AGENCIES? Has anyone spoken to him, her or it?

Then again, study the text – the whole thing is based on the claims of this same Muzi Mngomezulu. There is no independent corroboration. How do we know he is telling the truth? How do we know this isn’t some sort of a cover-up for a right-wing conspiracy to suppress discussions about manhood? Who is Muzi Mngomezulu, really? If all parties concerned got their heads shot off, who told Mngomezulu all these things? The whole thing looks very suspicious.

Pen-slinger will not let it go so easily. We will delve further into this matter, investigating fearlessly until the whole ugly truth is revealed.

Watch this space.

Trini wins an essay competition

Finally….the world has recognized my genius!!!!


My diffident little effort just won the first prize at the French essay writing competition at the annual Lire en Fête at Alliance Française!!!!

Ok, Ok…it isn’t the Nobel Prize for literature. Gimmi a break guys, let me savor this moment without those rude abdominal noises. It’s the first thing I’ve won, since…since…since time began, I guess. The closest I came to winning anything at anything was when I came fifth in the egg-and-spoon race in primary school -only we used potatoes, not eggs. After which I was disqualified for using a hybrid potato.

What made the whole thing special was that the winning entry was personally selected by the well-known French authoress, Pierrette Fleutiaux, who happens to be touring India right now, and she - personally – with her own hands, mind you, not a robotic arm, handed the prize to me. And note this….she looked earnestly into my eyes, shook my hand, and said that….(dramatic drum roll)…. ‘she was really, really impressed’.

Note the two ‘really’s – not just one. And I'm not absolutely sure there weren't three. Ok, you’ll just say that was a senior author being gracious to a tyro, but what the heck. She looked sincere enough and I choose to believe she meant it. And it is the first time I ever shook hands with a genuine ‘successful author’ – a breed I know exists, going by media reports, but which I despaired of ever finding. Maybe some of that magic will rub off onto me and I’ll stop being the perennial ‘struggling author’…and I’ll stop getting all that helpful advice: ‘when will you stop acting the goat and get a normal job like everybody else?’

Here’s a pic of the charming Mme Fleutiaux in the Alliance Française gardens:

And another one of me with her after the prize giving. Too bad they weren’t clicking pics at the prize giving itself ;(( No record of that historical moment.

The topic was to basically look at the cover of this novel of Mme Fleutiaux’s,

and imagine what the little girl called Trini was seeing, weaving in the teaser text on the cover of the novel (‘ Ce que j’ai vu m’a copé la soufflé, c’était si inattendu, si fantastique…’ ‘What I saw took my breath away, it was so unexpected, so fantastic…’). I did some research on the novel, and found that Trini was a kind of French Nancy Drew , and it involved a girl getting kidnapped and a mysterious Barbie-Doll-obsessed kidnapper…so I decided to give my essay a Nancy-Drew, Barbie-Doll touch, and weave in bits of the current financial crisis for good effect.

Here it is: my ‘prize winning’ entry….in the original French

http://pen-slinger.blogspot.com/2008/11/trini-fait-de-nouvelles-vagues.html

And here is an English translation….

http://pen-slinger.blogspot.com/2008/11/trini-fait-de-nouvelles-vagues-english.html

Thanks a ton to my good friend Guillaume for taking time off from his PhD at the Univ of Chile to review my essay and point out the grammatical bloopers.

And dear Mme Fleutiaux, thank you for encouraging words and graciousness… it really means a lot to a ‘struggling author’.

Trini fait de nouvelles vagues

Le Directeur Général s'éclaircit la gorge bruyamment.
« Messieurs, comme vous le savez tous, nos ventes de poupées Barbie plongent d'une manière alarmante. Toutes nos stratégies de markéting ont échoué. Hasbro va peut-être bientôt devoir se retirer des affaires. Lors de notre dernière réunion, notre consultant a suggéré de sacrifier une jeune fille sur l'autel de Mammon… »
Le consultant fit un signe de la tête d'un air important
« Oui, c'est la nouvelle théorie de management de Peter Drucker.
- N'est-il pas mort ?
- Séance de spiritisme
- Quoi qu'il en soit, je sais, ça a l'air, comment dirais-je… peu orthodoxe, mais les temps sont désespérés, et les temps désespérés appellent des solutions innovantes. Monsieur le directeur des ressources humaines, on vous a confié la tâche d’obtenir une jeune fille pour le sacrifice. En avez-vous trouvé une?
- Oui, Patron !
- Présentez-la ! »
La petite Trini fut traînée dans la salle de conférence.
« Qu'est-ce que vous voulez faire de moi, démons ? cria Trini
- Nous allons te présenter une poupée Barbie, mon enfant, si tu fais exactement ce que nous disons.
- Vraiment ? C'est super-cool ! dit Trini, contente »
Trine fut attachée à la table de conférence.
Le DG frappa dans ses mains fortement en disant :
« Dévoilez l'idole de Mammon »
Le tableau blanc glissa de côté, révélant une idole géante de Mammon en fibre de verre. Elle ressemblait étrangement à une poupée Ken d'un certain âge prenant une cuite.
« Aiguisez la Barbie ! »
Le directeur commercial aiguisa une Barbie vaudou avec un aiguisoir portable, lui conférant une pointe meurtrière.
« Enfoncez la Barbie !
- Non ! cria Trini
- Tu ne veux plus la Barbie ? demanda le DG, étonné
- Si, mais pas dans mes intestins !
- Désolé, mais maintenant c'est trop tard
- Non !! à l'aide !! »
Le Consultant toussa sèchement
« Attendez ! Il faut que la victime le soit de son plein gré. Monsieur Drucker l'affirme explicitement »
Le DG implora Trini
« Mon enfant, pensez à toutes les jeunes filles dont les parents sont trop radins pour leur acheter des Barbies. Tu n'es pas prête à te sacrifier pour elles ?
- Non !! Qu'elles mangent de la brioche !
- Mais, tu ne te soucies pas des profits de troisième trimestre de Hasbro ?
- Non !! Que Hasbro mange de la brioche !
- Mais notre PDG, il ne lui reste plus que son dernier milliard !
- Qu'il mange de la brioche !
- Mais, c'est l'idée, précisément! Il n'a pas les moyens d'acheter de la brioche avec son dernier milliard
- Ça m'est bien égal. Qu'il mange des nouilles. »
Le DG fut agacé
« Quelle fille impertinente ! Sacrifions-la de toute façon. Peut-être que ça ne dérangera pas Mammon »
Trini cria, apeurée.
Mais, juste à ce moment là, Trini vit quelque chose.
Ce qu'elle vit lui coupa le souffle, ce fut si inattendu, si fantastique…
L'idole de Mammon bougea ! Elle fronça les sourcils ! Elle parla !
Mammon toussa poliment.
« Mais si, ça dérangera Mammon »
Il y eut de la consternation dans la salle.
« Euh…ça vous dérangerait ?
- Oui, ça me dérangerait. Non seulement je ne veux pas d'une victime à contrecœur, mais je ne veux pas non plus d'une jeune fille
- Non ? Le DG fut étonné
- Non.
- Mais…pourquoi ?
- Réfléchis, imbécile ! Les jeunes filles sont votre marché cible. Si vous commencez à les sacrifier une par une, qui va acheter vos poupées?
- C'est vrai…alors, vous voulez le sang d'un…
- D'un Directeur Général, oui.
- Non !! Cria le DG horrifié
- Si!
- Je refuse !
- Mais, tu ne te soucies pas des profits de troisième trimestre de Hasbro ?
- Non !! Que Hasbro mange de la brioche !
- Mais votre PDG, il ne lui reste plus que son dernier milliard.
- Qu'il mange du tofu ! »
Mammon soupira.
« Dommage. Sacrifiez-le de toute façon »
Les autres cadres commerciaux saisirent le DG. Le DG commença à brailler.
Le directeur des ressources humaines brandit la Barbie pointue.
Mammon lui dit encore:
« Attends… ne le tue pas. J'ai une meilleure idée »
Le directeur des ressources humaines regarda Mammon avec curiosité
« Licencie-le…. sans parachute doré ! »

Trini fait de nouvelles vagues - English Tx

This is the English Transalation of my 'award winning' ;) French Humorous essay Trini fait de nouvelles vagues (see next post)

The General Manager cleared his throat
“Gentlemen, as you all know, our Barbie Doll sales figures are dipping alarmingly. All our marketing strategies have failed. Hasbro may soon go out of business. At our last meeting our consultant suggested we need to sacrifice a little girl on the altar of mammon.”
The consultant nodded importantly
“Yes, it is the latest management theory from Peter Drucker.”
“Isn’t he dead?”
“Séance”
“Anyway, I know that sounds a little, shall we say …unorthodox… but these are desperate times, and desperate times require innovative solutions.
HR Manager- you were given the task of procuring a little girl for the sacrifice. Have you got one?”
“Yes Boss”
“Produce her.”
Little Trini was dragged into the conference room, screaming.
“What do you want with me, you fiends?”
“We are going to present you with a Barbi doll, child, if you do exactly as we say”
Trini was pleased.
“Really? Cool!”
Trini was tied to the conference table. The GM clapped his hands loudly.
“Unveil the idol of mammon”
The whiteboard slid aside, to reveal a giant fiber-glass idol of mammon. It looked suspiciously like a middle-aged Ken doll after a drinking binge.
“Sharpen the Barbie!”
The HR Manager sharpened a Voodoo Barbie on a portable knife sharpener to a deadly point.
“Plunge it in!”
“No!” screamed Trini
The GM was surprised.
“Don’t you want a Barbie?”
“Yes, but not in my intestine!”
“Sorry, too late now.”
Trini screamed
“No!!”
The consultant coughed loudly.
“Wait! It has to be a willing victim. Mr. Drucker mentions this explicitly.”
The GM pleaded with Trini.
“Child, what about all the little girls whose stingy parents won’t buy them Barbie dolls? Aren’t you willing to be sacrificed for them?”
“No! Let them eat cake!”
“But don’t you care about Hasbro’s third quarter earnings?”
“Let Hasbro eat cake!”
“But our CEO is down to his last billion”
“Let your CEO eat cake”
“But that is the whole point. He can’t afford cake with his last billion”
“I don’t care. Let him eat noodles”
The GM was annoyed.
“What a spiteful little girl. Let’s sacrifice her anyway, maybe mammon won’t mind.”
Trini screamed with fear.
But just then she saw something, so amazing, so fantastic, it took her breath away.
The idol of mammon moved. It frowned. It spoke
Mammon coughed politely
“But mammon does mind”
There was consternation in room.
“Err… you mind?”
“Yes I mind. Not only do I not want an unwilling victim, I particularly do not want little girls.”
The GM was surprised.
“No?”
“No”
“But…Why”
“Think, idiot. Little girls are your target customers. If you start sacrificing them one by one, who will buy the dolls?”
“True. So you want the blood of…”
“A General Manager”
The GM screamed in horror
“No!”
“Yes!”
“I refuse!”
“But don’t you care about Hasbro’s third quarter earnings?”
“Let Hasbro eat cake!”
“But your CEO is down to his last billion”
“Let him eat tofu”
Mammon sighed
“Too bad. Sacrifice him anyway”
The other sales executives grabbed the GM. The HR manager raised the pointed Barbie.
The GM started bawling.
“Help! Please!”
Mammon spoke again
“Wait…Don’t kill him. I have a better idea”
The HR Manager looked at mammon inquiringly.
“Lay him off- without a golden parachute.”

Fat 101 – The Fundamentals of Adipose

After numerous plaintive requests from the well-larded, I have put together this small instruction manual on all matters adipose.

As a citizen of some weight and girth, these are some fundamental facts you should keep in mind:-

Fat is GOOD for you.(1)
Fat gives you an electric and magnetic personality (2)
Fat saves you from labial injury, BO and cancer (3)
Fat is good for your arteries (4)
Fat is good for national security (5)

Explanatory Notes:-

(1) Here is a mathematical proof:
Beer makes you fat. Beer is GOOD for you (refer previous chapter: Beer101: the fundamentals of Beer). QED: Fat is GOOD for you.

(2) Fat is an Insulator. It says so in the Biology book. At least, it did the last time I read it. Insulation is what you put on a live wire. A live wire is one that carries an electric current. If you warp a wire carrying an electric current around a metal rod, it creates a magnetic field. At least, it says so in the Physics book. I wouldn’t know- I bunked Physics lab. If you take your Biology book and Physics book and soak them in water a few days, you get papier-mâché. Papier-mâché can be used for making decorative pieces for your sitting room. Not that it is relevant.

(3) Are you disturbed your lips don’t reach your spouses when you embrace? Does the tum-tum get in the way of the passionate hug? Ask yourself this: do you really want that kiss to be consummated? How do you know she doesn’t have BO? What if she bites? Did you know that lipstick is carcinogenic? You know…you are better off just keeping her at belly’s length.

(4) Roman Gladiators were all fat people. Don’t believe me? Read the history books. What’s a book? Oh…you are one of those Gen-whatever kids, are you? OK watch the BBC series on the Roman Empire on YouTube. They actually ate fattening foods on purpose – the extra layer of fat shielded them from minor sword slashes- it prevented muscles and arteries from getting cut. Think about it. This is a comforting piece of information to have, next time you get caught in a sword fight.

(5) People are sad. They laugh at the strangest things. They find it funny when someone sits on a thumb tack. Someone else. They laugh at fat people. But in a way it is good. Laughter is good for people. It reduces stress. Reduced stress lowers the risk of heart attacks, diabetes, and varicose veins. On a national scale, this means less budgetary allocation for public health and more for truly useful stuff like battle tanks and warships.

Thoughts on a Carburetor

What is a carburetor? It is that odd-shaped little thingy with tubes and stuff somewhere in the innards of your car engine. Go on… pull it out, and examine it. It is easy to put back. You just kind of shove it back in the general area you pulled it out of. After that you call the mechanic. Or you walk. Walking is GOOD for you. Saves greenhouse gases.

OK, now that you have pulled it out, let’s look at it. What ARE all those tubes and things? I dunno…stuff, I suppose. What’d ya expect? A lesson on automobile mechanics? Gimme a break… this is a humor blog. Anyway I checked up Carburetor in the Webster’s dictionary. It says “A device for mixing vaporized fuel with air to produce an explosive mixture” You don’t wanna know what Oxford dictionary says about it. Believe me, you don’t.

Anyway…explosive air-fuel mixture. That is what you girlfriend (or wife, you poor sap) is doing when you catch her dousing herself in Chanel No. 5. Fuel? That stuff is 99 % alcohol. They run cars on alcohol in Brazil. The other 1% is stuff you really don’t wanna know about. Explosive? Wrinkle your nose and ask (no one in particular) …”What on earth is that funny smell?” Go on… ask her.

In other words, your wife (or girlfriend) is actually a carburetor. At least, when she is dressing up to go out. Which means most of the time. The rest of the time she is trying to improve you.

So now that you have pulled out the carburetor and mechanics are on strike, can you just plug your girlfriend (or wife) into the car engine?

Well….you could try. On the other hand, as I said: Walking is GOOD for you.

Image Credits: lady with carb from Toolwench.com, scooter carb from Scooterparts4less.com. The cartoon is by yours truly.

Oh those Priceless Ads

This is the English version of the end-of-term project I did for French 3A , last week...we had to make a presentation on an ad. For the French version, see the previous post

Don’t you get seriously fed-up of those smarmy, sugary ‘Priceless’ ads? I mean those ‘for –everything-else-there’s-Mastercrud’ thingies. Why, oh, why do those guys insist on inflicting them on a cringing populace? The last time I saw one, I had to pass-up on the dessert.

Anyway, here is my little revenge on those smooth-faced, hair-gelled martini imbibers…my own version of the Mastercarp ads:

Root Canal: Rs. 4000
Scaling: Rs. 2000
Dental Filling: Rs. 2000
Tooth Extraction: Rs. 5000
Gum-message: Rs 500
Biting the ear off that darn dentist when you get the bill: Priceless
There are some things Dinars can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mastercrude.

High-End CD Player: Rs 65,000
3000 Watts Amps: Rs 60,000
Equalizers: Rs 40,000
Room sized cabinet speakers: Rs 120,000
Slayer Music CD: Rs 500
Making your neighbor jump out of bed at 3AM, screaming: Priceless
There are some things the holy shekels can’t buy. For everything else there’s Masterchord.

Champagne: Rs. 10000
Soup du Jour: Rs 1000
Filet Mignon: Rs 3000
Blancmange: Rs 2000
Cognac and Café au lait: Rs 2500
Filing an Expense Report and sloshing the ol’ company for the whole caboodle: Priceless
There are some things the brass doubloons can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mastercurd.

Laxative tabs: Rs. 100
Antacid: Rs. 115
Colon Wash: Rs. 2000
Rectal probe: Rs. 3000
Antidepressants for spouse and kids: Rs. 300
Going to the toilet again after 3 weeks: Priceless
There are some things the leafy lettuce can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mr. Crud.

Boarding school Fees: King’s Ransom
Text Books: Queen’s Ransom
School Kit: Knave’s Ransom
Five sets of uniform: Rs 10,000
One-way train ticket (second class): Rs 500
Finally getting that hyperactive, misanthropic, hormone-fuelled brat out of your hair: Priceless
There are some things copper Ringgits can’t buy. For everything else there’s Monstercured.

Flowers: Rs. 1000
Box of Chocolates: Rs. 2500
Chauffeured Limo: Rs. 5000
Champagne Dinner: Rs. 30,000
Taking her sister out on a date after getting dumped: Priceless
There are some things cowry shells can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mysterycute.

Five dum-dum bullets: $10
9MM Smith & Wesson’s Automatic: $656
Tan-Leather Thumb-break holster: $49.95
Gun License: Rs. 10,000
Bribe for police-officer to get gun license: Rs. 50,000
Blowing a neat hole in that smart-alecks ad-man’s hair-gelled head who thought up those darn Mastercrud ads: Priceless.
There are some things the crisp wampum can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mastercrodd.

PS: In case you are wondering how I managed all the bad puns and weird words in French: I didn’t. The French version is pretty straightforward…. Gimme a break…I’m still in 3A… they don’t teach bad puns until C1.

Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas

Vous avez certainemeent vu les publicités de Mastercard à la télé…vous voyez ce que je veux dire… « Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas. Pour tout le reste il y a Mastercard »
Je ne sais pas ce que vous en pensez, mais moi, je les trouve extrêmement sucrées, à l’eau de rose et irritantes. Pourquoi infligent-ils ces pubs horribles à nous? Pour prendre ma revanche, j’ai inventé quelques pubs de Mastercard à moi.

- Traitement du canal dentaire: €88
- Extraction dentaire : €36
- Détartrage : €80
- Massage des gencives : €10
Mordre l’oreille du dentiste infernal quand vous recevez sa note : ça n’a pas de prix
Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas. Pour tout le reste il y a Master-coupé

- Une bouteille de champagne: €100
- Pâté de fois gras : €50
- Soupe du jour: €30
- Filet mignon: €60
- Le blanc-manger: €30
- Cognac et café au lait: €20
Faire défrayer de tous par l’entreprise : ça n’a pas de prix
Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas. Pour tout le reste il y a Master-cuit

- Un bouquet de fleurs : €20
- Une boîte de chocolat : €30
- La limousine avec chauffeur : €500
- Le dîner avec champagne : €1000
Sortir avec sa sœur après l’avoir larguée : ça n’a pas de prix
Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas. Pour tout le reste il y a Master-cœur

- La lecture de CD haut de gamme : €1200
- L’amplificateur Hi Fi de 3000 watts : € 2000:
- Les grands haut-parleurs : € 2200
- L’égaliseur : € 1000
- Un disque de musiqe de Slayer : € 20
Terroriser les voisins à trois heures de la nuit: ça n’a pas de prix
Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas. Pour tout le reste il y a Master-sourd

- Cinq balles de fusil : €10
- La pistole automatique : €600
- Étui de revolver : €50
- Permis d’armes à feu: €1000
- Pot-de-vin pour l’agent de police pour obtenir le permis d’armes à feu : €2000
Tuer le publiciste qui a inventé la pub Mastercard : ça n’a pas de prix
Il y a certaines choses qui ne s’achètent pas. Pour tout le reste il y a Master-crime

Yesterday’s Special

Sunday Jam yesterday was one of the more awful ones in living memory. The posters hinted at it: “The Return of the Heavies” it said, and the bill of fare listed one execrable Heavy Metal act after the other. Rather sad, since last month’s S-Jam was not bad at all, even going as far as featuring an acappella group from St Johns College. The impression one gets at S-Jam sometimes is that all these kids in Bangalore are obsessed with Death Metal, Nu Metal, Metal Core and all the incomprehensible (and indistinguishable) sub genre of Heavy Metal. Haven’t these chaps heard of Jazz, Blues, Fusion, Folk, Flamenco, Reggae…or even Indi-Pop for God’s sake…you could justifiably ask yourself. Actually, this impression is false. Just a year ago, there was this Acoustic Festival organized by Levi’s and it was a revelation to see the breadth of talent available in this ol’ town. It is really sad that they never turn up at S-Jam, which is probably the best platform in the city, if not India, for showcasing young talent.

What is probably worse, this time the venue was the romantic rock garden of Chitra-Kala Paristhan – which as Gopal said, is the nicest open-air stage in the city. It was fun to see the little old ladies who had come for the art & ethnic wear exhibition in CKP, wander into the garden and look on incredulously at the screaming and growling going on on-stage. I used to suspect that all these new groups start out with HM simply because all that distortion hides their lack of confidence in their own playing- and singing- skills. Now that I am starting to get the hang of the guitar myself -I can do some fairly decent Lightnin’ Hopkins and Buddy Guy blues licks, and my current ambition in life is to play CCR’s ‘before you accuse me’ from end to end without pausing to scratch my head between the shuffle and the turnaround - I know this for a fact. Once in a while, I turn up the distortion on my Marshall Amps, and even I start sounding pretty cool.

Anyway, after two hours of torture, I decided I had had enough and was about to go home, when who should walk in but Shalini, toting her huge Bass. Yup, the same Shalini whom I had devoted a long blog to a few months ago. I looked at the prospectus…Legato Lilac was not on the list. But there she was, and maybe she’d play. So I decided to hang around. I didn’t have long to wait: she took the stage a few sets later with an apparently new band (at least, the singer seemed to be new and possibly the drummer). And Gopal didn’t introduce them as Legato Lilac. He said something I couldn’t catch.

They did some nice hard rock covers (what is nowadays called classic rock….hey guys, give us a break-when we were kids, we had our own sub-genre. Now everything without distortion is lumped under classic rock). Not as spectacular as the last time I had seen them, but nice and tight, and a big relief after all the ghastly noise that preceded it. Then they did an instrumental own-comp that was really good. Shalini came into her own and played a hard, intricate groove on the bass. And her smile lit up the amphitheater again.

I was sitting right at the edge of the stage, and admired her smooth, supple fingerwork. I’m learning a lot of blues bass riffs nowadays…wish I could play like that.

That was it. Gopal rushed them off the stage. Another HM act walked on.

I decided to take courage into my hand and walked over to Shalini who was packing up, and said:
“Err…Um…I didn’t catch the name of your band…”

“We’re called Today’s Special” she said. Oh God…she had a lovely voice, and up close, she looked even cuter than on stage.

“I thought you called yourself Legato Lilac?”

“That was just for that session, last time” she said.

“Oh…” I said lamely

“Did you like our set?” she asked anxiously.

“Hmm” I mumbled dumbly and nodded. Then I managed to blurt out “actually it was great…” and shambled off.

Damn! Once back at my seat, I realized there were dozens of other things I could have asked her … what do you call that own-comp? Why did you change the band name? Legato–Lilac was such a clever name, and it had personality...Did you read my blog about you….Damn! Now it was too late. If I went back now I would look like an ass.

Anyway, what’s the use… At last months S-Jam I’d heard she’s just gotten married or engaged or something…. Damn!

So I went home, instead.

And it really is sad they’ve changed the band name. Legato is a classical music term that means the opposite of staccato, and heavy metal guitarists have borrowed the term to mean rapid hammer-ons and hammer-offs with slurring to create that characteristic screaming, scalded cat sound of heavy metal. Juxtaposition that with Lilac…as I said, clever.

Btw… if a kind reader has Sahlini’s mail-id…could you please send her the URL of this blog and tell her I’m her biggest fan…

Beer 101- The fundamentals of Beer

Update Notice: due to persistent queries by confused readers, I have appended additional explanatory notes on water etc. A depressed reader who calls himself Anupam (this needs looking into more closely. It looks highly suspicious. Why would ANYONE go around calling himself Anupam, wantonly? ) claims that beer makes him fat. This will be taken up in a subsequent article “Fat 101: The fundamentals of Adipose”)




It is distressing to see the number of untrained, unlicensed Beer drinkers infesting Bangalore pubs. These people seem to imagine that Beer drinking is a casual leisure activity, something like kite flying and show-horse jumping. It is not. It is a serious activity meant only for dedicated and committed experts, who have taken the trouble to qualify for a License to Drink Beer (LDB) from the Bangalore Puber’s Association (BPA) or a similar reputable professional body.

For the benefit of the Beer illiterate, I have put together this basic manual which can help them qualify for a LDB level 1 with the BPA.

The following facts are Absolutely Imperative for any Beer drinker to know:-

1. Beer is GOOD for you. It makes you Happy1.


2. In Germany2, Beer is known as ‘Liquid Bread’


3. Beer is made from Barley, Water and Hops3


4. These three ingredients are mixed, fermented4 and distilled


5. Then you drink5 it
   

Notes:
1. Happy is a state of the ‘MIND. Mind is something you have, or don’t have. Very few people have a ‘mind’. Even fewer have a ‘happy’ mind. Those who do, invariably drink Beer.
2. Germany is a COUNTRY. A country is a big piece of land full of people. These people can be fat or thin, happy or sad. Germany is a big piece of land near Norway full of fat, happy people who drink Beer. Germany is a very happy country. Once in a while, when they aren’t happy, they start World Wars. It is better for Norway if Germans are happy.

3a. Hop is what you do when a German is not happy. You hop away very fast. When many people hop away, we use the plural form ‘hops’. For some strange reason, it is also the name of a plant with bitter tasting fruit which is added to Beer. Maybe it is because people who have to hop invariably feel bitter about it.

3b. Water is a strange colorless odorless fluid. Ulsoor Lake is full of it. You can go and have a look at it next time you are bunking office. No one quite knows what it is good for, except for adding to beer. In fact, many countries prohibit the consumption of water except in the form of beer. It is banned as a narcotic substance in Germany, Uruguay and Eretria. Possession of it can get you shot in China. DO NOT try to drink water illicitly, it can be fatal and you can get arrested. Try a mouthful of the stuff in Ulsoor Lake, and you’ll know what I mean. But don’t worry, it is quite safe when inside a beer bottle.

Here is a brave, adventurous lady drinking raw water from a wine glass. Don’t try this at home, kids. She's a professional.

3c. Barley is bit like corn, only more so. Corns are what you develop on your toes when you hike 10 miles in tight, smelly hiking boots. You don’t wanna get into more details, it gets ugly from this point on.

4. Ferment is an elegant word for rot. Yup. The same process that involves fetid smells, slimy, crawly things and large, oily bubbles. You don’t wanna think about it too much.

5. Drink is the process of holding the beer mug to the lips, and pouring it down the throat. Preferable your own. Note carefully: you ‘drink’ with your ‘mouth’. You do not, repeat do not, use other bodily orifice. Any attempt to do so will clearly mark you out as an amateur Beer drinker, the kind that pollutes Bangalore pubs.

Here is a nice lady demonstrating the process of drinking
Notice how the beer mug touches her LIPS. Not her ears or nose.

Now test your knowledge with these questions. Don’t peek at the answers until done.
Q1. In Germany, Beer is also known as liquid ….
1. Rhubarb
2. Pumpkin
3. Carburetor
4. Bread

Q2. What are the main ingredients of Beer?
Select any THREE of the following options
1. Rubber
2. Barley
3. Gasoline
4. Water
5. Industrial Waste
6. Rhubarb
7. Hops
8. Oleander

Q3. Beer, for you, is…
1. Good
2. Bad
3. OK

Q4. What is the procedure for making beer?
Fill in the Blanks:
Barley, Water and Hops are first ___________ Then the resulting slush is _________for a few days. After that, the resultant (stinking) slush is _________ After that you drink it. This makes you very ________. You must be mad.

Answers
Q1: 4
Q2: 2, 4, 7 (Readers in China can also tick 5)
Q3: 1
Q4: Mixed, Fermented, Distilled, Happy

What was your score? If you scored more than 5, go ahead, let yourself loose in the nearest Pub. If not, shame on you! Try again.

Did you score more than 9? Gotcha! You have been drinking Beer without a license, haven’t you?
Image Credits: I have absolutely no idea.... I picked these from the net a long time ago when I was researching a class project on Oktoberfest. I think they are from some German sites on Oktoberfest. I'll be glad to credit them if someone tells me where they are from.